We have a foster cat. She is a seven-month-old tortoiseshell called Sadie. One of the things we do is provide a temporary home for cats and dogs that would otherwise be on death row. It’s a pit stop until they can find their forever home.
But right now, Sadie, our foster cat, is driving me nuts. She is on heat and up for it. Big time. I am living with a nymphomaniac who is not getting any. Believe me, that is a very bad combination. I can’t help thinking she was named after that William Somerset Maugham book about a fallen woman called Sadie Thompson. It is such an appropriate name.
It’s not that I mind the way Sadie crouches down, raises her hind-quarters and thrusts her backside in the air. I don’t even mind it when she seductively wraps herself around my ankles or the coquettish way she stares with great concentration and then rolls around on her back. She reminds me of that Nine Inch Nails song I want to f***k you like an animal although I prefer the version done by the group Lady Does It Better. Check it out on Youtube.
What is getting to me is Sadie’s constant, bloody, chirping. Chirp, chirp, chirp all over the house. It’s either chirping or this loud, throaty yowling roooooowwwww. Talk about grievous bodily harm of the eardrums.There is no mistaking her intentions. It’s come and get it boys, I’m all yours. Therein lies the second problem. If she managed to get outside, then every Tom in the street would be lining up. Sadie would be up the duff in no time at all and the world would be populated with even more unwanted kittens. So she has to stay inside and I have to suffer.
Now if I was a tomcat I would be more than happy to oblige just to keep her happy and quiet. But I’m not. So it’s impossible. I’ve tried telling her but she doesn’t listen. We have three other male cats of our own but they are all duds as far as she is concerned. None of them have any balls at all. They don’t have the slightest interest apart from one, who occasionally likes to sniff her nether regions. Probably remembering a long forgotten time. But he’s just window-shopping with absolutely no intention of buying any of the merchandise. Our two dogs are in the same position as me. Sorry but we can’t help.
I’ve been told that Sadie can’t be neutered until she stops with the promiscuous behavior and goes off heat. It did stop for a brief time but it returned again with a vengeance and worse still, it’s showing no signs of disappearing any time soon.
In one desperate moment, a mad thought did briefly cross my mind. What about inviting one of the neighbor-hood Tom’s over just to shut her up? Of course I dismissed it just as quickly. But it did get me thinking and wondering. Do cats have recreational sex just like humans? I’m talking about sex for pleasure and not simply procreation. Many animals do such as dolphins, rats, horses and birds of the feathered kind. But Guess what? Cats don’t. They only have sex when the female is on heat. It lasts seven to ten days and can occur every few weeks. Once reproduction is achieved the Yes turns into a giant, fat, no way known.
So I guess I just have to bide my time and get ready to rush her to the vet the minute there is a break in proceedings.
Either that, or get a gun and take her out the back and shoot her. Bang, bang. Of course I am having a big joke. But if you could ask Sadie I’m sure she’d say please take me out the back so we can have a bang, bang as in gang-bang. Yippee.